Day 84, Chapter 84
Sarah has to ‘fess up to Heidi about her secret identity today. The tension builds. Sherry and Stevie, Heidi’s kids, head off to throw rocks while the “adults” talk. Deep breath before the plunge…
The two women sat together on a bench, and Heidi asked, “What’s going on, sweetie?”
Sarah looked into Heidi’s face and said, “There’s no good way to tell you. I wanted to keep you out of it. I didn’t want to involve you in any way.”
“Wow,” Heidi said. “You’re really scaring me.”
Oh right, in this scene, Heidi and Sarah will both be played by the same robot that played Conklin in Chapter 76. “Ididnottwanttoinvolveyouinanyway,” the Sarah-bot said. “Youarereallyscaringme,” said Heidi-bot. Or maybe Patterson & Paetro are the robots.
Sarah nodded and, looking down at her feet, said, “You know about the cat burglar they call Hello Kitty?”
“That’s the one who killed Marcus Dowling’s wife, right?”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t do it.”
Heidi laughed. “Duh-uh. Of course not. What are you talking about?”
“Heidi, I’m Hello Kitty.”
“Shut up! You are not!”
No you shut up! Duh-uh! You shut up! Heidi Kitty? Hello? Is this thing on? What are you talking about? What am I talking about? Duh! Shut up!
Alright, let’s hear Sarah’s story. Hello Kitty: the True Hollywood Story. Her grandfather was a jeweler & she spent time in his shop as a kid – apparently learning how to break into people’s homes?
“So when I was thinking how to get us out of here, I realized I could actually get rich quick. I started climbing the wall at the gym, getting strong, and I started researching potential targets, picking only people who could recover from the loss of their stuff. At first I wasn’t sure I could do it.
“And then Trevor raped me.”
Woah. Thankfully I don’t have any rape jokes. Whew!
She gives the rundown on all her exploits – the Dowling job, the Morley job, the King job, the running from the cops, the ditching of the stuff, the locking of the keys in the car, then calling her abusive, rapist husband Trevor when Heidi couldn’t pick her up (not that she should feel bad about that.)
Wait, did she say “raped?” Jesus Christ, JPatt.
“Anyway, Terror didn’t like my answer to why I was locked out of my car and barefoot in Pac Heights. I couldn’t think of a lie that wasn’t frickin’ totally laughable…”
So he beat the crap out of her and “collected his marital due.” Does JPatt know that raping your wife isn’t usually considered an element of marriage? Man, I’m still stupefied by that part. Ahem, I’d like to use this awkward moment to welcome back the word “frickin'” to the book – it has been far to long since we’ve seen your comedy stylings, my old friend.
“Oh my God, Sarah,” she said. She put her arm around the woman she loved and drew her close. “Sometimes I wonder if I even know you.”
I was all set to call it a day today, since I can’t find anything funny to say about wife-rape, when I stumbled across this creepy comedy goldmine that cheered me up. Thinking about the robotic dialogue between Sarah & Heidi today, I Googled “Hello Kitty fembot” (This is how I spend my mornings. I do this for you, people.) and found a ton of pictures of this Actroid DER2 Fembot robot made by Japanese company Kokoro. Please enjoy: